A true loss 

I never heard your voice, I never heard your laugh. I saw you laugh in my head through a message or a tweet. The same way I saw your smile, and your pain. 

I know I did my best to be there for you, to be your friend. And it was real. Just because I never met you doesn’t make it less real. Not to me. And the grief I feel now is as real as if I had coffee with you every day. People should never diminish the power of friendships, no matter how they are. 

You got me, you understood. I never had to explain or justify me. You accepted what I am, who I am. That’s in itself is a rare gift to have and I’ll always be grateful. One I shall try to take with me. But you had lots of gifts, it’s what made you special.  Your strength and courage were the greatest I’d ever known, your warmth and compassion,  your genuine kindness and selflessness. I could list more but I won’t. 

I know there are countless people missing you, feeling as sad as I am right now. And my heart goes out to them. Truly it does. But I can’t cope with others grief at this time, I selfishly want to think of you for myself for a while. But know you were loved. 

The last 2 things you said to me were bittersweet. You said you’d be back.. but you aren’t coming back are you. You told me to always keep smiling.. and I will, you know I will. But not today. Not just now. Just now I’m happy being sad missing you, sad that you won’t be here anymore. Sad that I lost a friend. And I know you’d be telling me that’s okay.

People come into our lives, some stay forever, some don’t. Some sit on the surface, some fall deeper. Our time seemed so short thinking now, although it wasn’t,. Would we have done things differently had we known this would happen? Or was it meant to be this way as a lesson? A reminder that we all crave that human bond and it can be found in the strangest of ways, but once it’s formed it remains unbroken.  

I’m glad you came into my life , I just wish you’d stayed a bit longer . 


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Ireland 🇮🇪 

My first trip to Ireland was much awaited, I’ve wanted to go for ages. People saying how beautiful the countryside is, how friendly the people are ..And they are.. from the minute we landed people couldn’t have been nicer. Handing me back my passport at the airport, the guy smiles and says with that gorgeous accent which makes my legs turn to jelly..

“Thank you Debi, enjoy your stay”

Beats the grunt or nod you usually get at airports innit 

I loved this trip, it had everything I ever hoped for. The heady bustle of Dublin, full of life, character and business. People everywhere, noise, traffic, music. Drinking in Temple Bar, Guinness! shopping.. it really was an invasion of senses. We spent our first and last days in Dublin, both were fun, we laughed a lot 

And then further south. The breathtaking scenery, everything so green! Lakes clear as glass and mountains as far as I could see. We walked miles through idyllic countryside. Cute little villages that seemed to be from years gone by. Beaches as stunning as any I’ve seen abroad. We saw castles, cathedrals, the zoo! 

Then the cottage, literally in the middle of nowhere. I loved our time here. The owner left fresh duck eggs for us each day and home and scones. It was quaint and delightful. The woody smell of smoke from the fire, craggy bare stone walls glistening granite. 

And peace 

Although it was fully equipped we sat in silence mostly, reading, sometimes chatting,  often drinking. It’s a long time since we have had times like that. Nothing to do, no jobs to finish, no people to visit, no planning to do. Just time for us 

Ireland you have been wonderfully charming, I hope to visit you again soon 


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It’s okay to feel 

Feels like I haven’t written here in ages innit. 

I’ve been sad today, like proper sad. So sad I’ve been crying and I never cry.. well not in front of people. 

I blogged back in Feb about losing a friend, a RL friend. Not losing them to death or anything, just, you know losing them. Today it hit me like a sledgehammer again. My heart is paining. 

And when you feel like that, you need the person you’re closest to, and its them not being there that’s making you feel so bad. A viscous circle. And it makes you feel lonely and vulnerable,  

I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, I’m not looking for sympathy.  I just want to someone to tell me that’s it’s okay to feel this way. That they get it. But the person who would get it, who would understand, isn’t here. 

People say (with the best intentions) 

Snap out of it

Be happy again

Think good things 

Blah fucking blah 

And you know what I don’t want to. It’s painful and it’s okay to admit that somethings are painful. It’s okay to be sad and to cry. It’s not self indulgent, it’s not wallowing in misery. It’s allowing yourself to feel and fuck me if we lose the ability to do that what hope is there. 

Everyone loves the happy you,  isnt that what they say? It’s only those who truly care that love the you that feels too. 

Tomorrow no doubt will feel better, but today I miss them. My whole being misses them and right now, that’s okay. 

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Rollercoaster Ride

It’s funny how much your mood changes in one day.. sometimes it feels like a rollercoaster innit 

This morning was grim.. proper fucking shite. I had to take Ma to the Dr. I hadn’t seen her in a couple of weeks cos she had that radioactive thing and was kinda in isolation. When I got there she looked so much more frailer, thinner, weaker than I remember. She’d fainted at the weekend and banged her head as she’d fallen, big bruises. Her voice was weak and she was so breathless.  My heart broke *insert crying face*

Her new gp is nice and thankfully listens to her. Ma got upset cos she hates feeling so ill, that made me cry and then I got a bit mardy. I told the dr I wanted to see some things happening, nothing seems to be getting done that kinda thing. I think she realised I meant it….she typed a lot *insert mardy face*

Then we had lunch, Ma had to leave hers cos she can’t fucking chew or swallow properly, that made me sad again. So When I left her I was feeling quite tearful and pretty fucking meh *insert miserable sad face*

It’s such a beautiful day so I went for a walk to find some peace in me head. It worked. I can’t believe how lucky I am living here. The most glorious country views in every direction. *insert sunglasses face*

While I was out I had a message from my daughter in law (married to the son that hates me) saying the grandchild want to see me this weekend. *insert smiley happy face *

I decided to push my luck and asked if they could stay with me for the whole day *insert nervous face* she said she would be happy for them to and they would love it but she would have to check with their dad. 

So now I’m waiting to hear if my son will let them.. which is a massive massive thing for me. I’ve never had them on own yet  I’m already planning the day. Even if he says no this time I know it won’t be long til he says they can. Giant steps have been made. 

Anyone who has an easy, unemotional, life’s a beeeze kinda life… is proper lucky innit ✌️

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So in RL imagine you have a group of people you kinda like, you chat with, you have a laugh with. They all kinda know each other, not closely, just a bit. One of them falls out with another, maybe there was a row, maybe hurting, maybe upset. You get told stuff, stuff one of the people has said, done to the other person. 

What do you do? 

You talk, you find out what’s happened, you listen to both people. Don’t you? 

You don’t just fuck them off out of it. You don’t get all the other people in this group to hate on them. Do you? At work? In the pub? 

Why the shitting fuck does that happen on twatter. It drives me fucking insane. This fucking gang bitching. People jumping in on hate campaigns against people they …

A) actually liked but decided to believe one person and now don’t like 

B) don’t actually know anything about but want to feel included so join in

Don’t fucking do it. Don’t screenshot your rows and tweet them to gain support. Don’t go out of your way to tell everyone how much you fucking hate this person. Don’t tell people who they should and shouldn’t follow. 

And don’t judge people based on others opinions. Make your own.. informed decisions about the people you follow. Don’t just go with the crowd, or the popular twats, or the ones who shout the loudest. 

I would be without a very very close friend who is extremely special to me had I not heeded my own advice. I could have just listened to the one sided bitchiing, blocked them and they would be gone. 

Thank fuck I’m wiser than I look innit. 

Shame on you if you are a sheep 

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When I had my first son I went for my postnatal check at the GPs and he said “watch your weight, you’re the body type that can gain easily” I weighed 11st 2. Mate! Was he right 

I have spent the last 28 years dieting innit.  Shit dieting. I am a proper diet whore. You name it I’ve done it.  Shakes, pills, plans, starving, groups,  I have more diet books than a frigging library . Yet still I am the shittiest person when it comes to eating properly. I know…. it’s the yo yo thing. You don’t need to tell me 

I’ve only been thin twice in that time.. both after doing the Cambridge Diet.. meal replacement. I went without any solid food for 12 weeks once and weighed 10st 10.. which I have to add is still a stone above the highest I should be. And at the other end I’ve been 15st… fucking shocking innit 

I told you about the excercise thing right? If you don’t know you’ll have to go back on me blog and look. So working the lard off isn’t that easy for me! I wish it was. I would love to be able to do that

So I’m sat here today, feeling yuk, proper heavy, researching new stuff to help me get motivated again. It’s so fucking confusing though isn’t it! What is best? Clean eating? No carbs? Calorie counting? Meal replacement? Fasting days? High protein? 

It’s total mind fuckery! Why can’t there be a fool proof method! I tell ya if I ever find it I’m gonna be rich 

I honestly would, hand on my heart have a gastric band if they didn’t cost so much. I might even ask Ma yet to lend me the cash. 

And don’t anyone say “you don’t need to lose weight” or any of that shazzle. I DO! And saying that, as lovely as you are, doesn’t help. 

Anyway, I could go and eat half a loaf of bread now but it’s lent and I ain’t eating bread. I’ll have a glass of water and a limp lettuce leaf innit 

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The End – Day 28 

Well there we are, a blog a day for 28 days is done. Challenge completed innit.  Time to reflect on the experience? 

As a new blogger it was a good way of getting the “feel” of doing it. It made me feel confident about using my blog.  I’m not sure I learnt anything about myself, nothing I wrote was new or revealing to me, a lot of it was going over the past. Things I knew were still painful I actually put into words, it didn’t help. It made me cry.. a lot. It made me think about some stuff I didn’t want to, still don’t, it’s no magic healing cure. But did I expect it to be? I guess I did want to be able to say blogging every day was useful, changed me in some way or made me think differently..but it didn’t. Some days I laughed, it wasn’t all sad. 

I’m an open book anyway so it wasn’t too hard to write about stuff, I guess all it’s done is let a whole bunch of strangers find out things about me they never knew. Is that a good thing? I’m not so sure. I think  I liked it, the writing that is, never did I struggle for something to write about. My head is full of useless shazzle innit. There’s a whole heap more in this twat brain. I’m not so sure about publishing it, maybe just writing is the way forward about some stuff. 

Doing a blog a day has its down sides though. I think blogs should be more spontaneous, about things that are happening now or that you’re thinking about. That was true of some of the last 28 days but not all. Some days I had to consciously think of something, which isn’t what it’s about I don’t reckon

Anyway I’ll still be here innit, maybe not so often. Ain’t getting rid of me yet though

Thanks for reading and all the comments

Til next time ✌️


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